I cried after realizing how much I wasn’t accepting others.
A little known happiness hack that I was ignoring.
I want to propose that one of the ingredients to happiness is unconditional acceptance of others. This does not mean a lack of concern for their welfare, nor the apathetic enforcement of your boundaries.
It means being mentally neutral to whatever behavior they choose to adopt, and separating their behaviors and thoughts from their innate human be-you-ty. It means accepting that they are the way they are, and not compulsively wishing that they change.
This revelation came to me in unfortunate circumstances.
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One month ago.
I felt alienated from myself. I felt, for once, I was not who I wanted to be. This was a very uncomfortable feeling.
When I have these feelings, my automatic response is to practice introspection and RESET. My method for my reset is this: Imagine for a second that you’re brain is deleting all its regrets and mistakes. Visualize the computer progress bar in your head. Finally, when it reaches 100%, it says, CLEANING COMPLETE. Now, pause, and realize how much you already have. Remember the great people in your life. The goodness of your life.
I had to do this process on September 24.
I was dining with my family, my sister, stepdad, and mother. And guess what? It was my mother’s birthday.
We went to a fancy restaurant and dined together.
Repeatedly, what happens at the dinner table is my family makes a joke about my appearance, smell, or choices. I usually bike all the way to them, so sometimes I sweat a little. I don’t dress like a rich person either, because I don’t equate appearance with worth. “Jacques, shouldn’t you go to medical school? You’re so smart.” This is also something I hear again and again.
What happens is the entire dinner table laughs at me, and usually, I laugh with them.
They laugh at my career, they laugh at my colourful outfits, they laugh that I am single. They laugh about the possibility of me being gay.
I didn’t laugh with them this time.
My mother asked me: “You know it’s all a joke right? I hope you don’t feel offended.”
My long-awaited response: “Every time this happens, I tell myself that I am going to see you all less…”
Silence.
What ensued was a very sensitive conversation. Me confessing that I don’t feel my values and career choices have been accepted. Me confessing that I feel my family members are sleepwalking through life and blindly accepting mainstream values. Me receiving a 20 minute diatribe from my stepdad about how judgemental and smart-assy I am.
The last event stung the most…
What did my stepdad mean by that? Well, here’s an example. My first job as a lifeguard didn’t end so well. My coworkers did not like me. So after three months, I was fired. And not one of my coworkers wanted to help me get my job back.
Here’s why: I repeatedly challenged authority in an arrogant way. I acted as if I knew-it-all. I didn’t like being junior. I stepped into new territory as if I owned the place.
This is what my stepdad meant when he used the term. He meant that I *had* a tendency to patronize others and to pay no homage to the seniors.
My stepdad’s rant disrupted the vibe in the restaurant. But, it was a healthy discussion. I listened.
There was a lot to process. This is why I hit the reset button. But I have completed the process and wanted to share my insights here. Because, hey, the best way to process things is by writing about them, right?
Insight 1: You cannot change someone if you are emotionally attached to the outcome.
In my reflections, I realized that I have been too obsessed with spreading my values with people in my life. See, I like to practice generosity by sharing with others how to live happier and healthier. I have noticed that when people feel judged, they resist.
I realized their feeling of being judged was rooted in my lack of acceptance for their behaviors and values. It was as if I was irritated by their behaviors.
Insight 2: Positive reinforcement rules them all.
People respond better to encouragement than shaming. Stigma results from shaming, and this actually encourages people to hide the behaviors they know are undermining their well-being. So every time I called people out in my life, it was not helping me serve them. I have since stopped calling people out, and instead I have started sharing information and personal experiences.
Insight 3: Share what you have been doing, don’t advise what they should be doing.
This one is a big one! I have spent so much time convincing my parents to meditate. It worked for one of them. My approach was always too preachy, and I have since approached it differently. My sin was offering unsolicited advice. Now, I follow the following principle: “If it won’t be received, don’t say it.”
Main Insight: Unconditionally respect and accept other humans and your ability to serve them skyrockets.
When you’re constantly trying to influence others and you attach to the outcome of your efforts, your influence goes down. Why? Because you are doing it from a selfish place, instead of a selfless place. When others know you are neutral to their behavior change, it really doesn’t matter to you whether they change or not. But when you’re attached, it’s almost as if you are winning when you successfully get someone to adopt a change.
People change when they feel accepted, when they feel safe around you, and when they go inward. They change when they choose to. A lack of acceptance of someone’s behaviors results in less safety, which translates into a lower likelihood that they will engage in ‘change talk’ with you.
When I would call people out, convince people they are wrong, and offer unsolicited advice, I was sparking defensiveness in the other person.
Disassembling defensiveness is a prerequisite for helping people help themselves. And you can disassemble defensiveness by releasing any emotional charge to their behaviors.
If you want to influence others, accept the whole human: their strengths, scars, and sins. Then, they will want to listen and learn from you.
